Responsibility

Take responsibility.  For yourself, your minor children and your pets.  I am so sick of being told it's okay that another dog pooped in my area because the dog is trained well enough it doesn't have to be on a leash.  Well okay, so kids don't have to be on a leash but you still watch what they are doing and if they make a mess, you clean it up.  People if you have pets clean up after them.  If you can't be bother to watch your pet, don't have one.  It is like that in life to. Take responsibility for what you do.  Oh my God.  No one wants to except responsibility for anything anymore.  It's his/her fault, or the economy, or my parents, or the other driver.  Get over it. 

Why is it so hard

Why is life so hard sometimes.  I am not depressed exactly.  I am lethargic.  I think sometimes it has to do with the thyroid problem.  Lethargy is one of the symptoms.  Although I have been taking medication for more than a year now, I don't think it is fully under control.  I try to tell the Doctors but they don't want to hear it.  They have 15 minutes for each patient.  Seriously.  And God forbid you are scheduled at the end of the day.  Because then they are already behind and your 15 minutes turns into 5 or 10 if your lucky.  I am so glad to have a program that allows me to go to the Doctors.  It is not insurance.  Not medi-caid or medical.  It is called ACE.  I am so happy that I have that because without it I would have nothing.  And there are people in places who have nothing.  So in that regard I am blessed.  And I don't think the caregivers care less or are less qualified.  They are, however, restricted by the system in what they can do.
Anyhow, I am hoping in a month to have my teeth fixed and then to get a job.  I am going to continue going to school.  I am going to first get my A.S. degree and then I am going on to get my B..S degree.  That is my goal.  Heres to me and the future!!!

Frustrated

I get so frustrated sometimes with things that don't work.  My computer.  My directv box.  Just things that don't work.  I pay money for these things and when they don't work, the people I got them from want to charge me to replace or fix them.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhh.  It just makes me crazy!!!

Ventura, California

Wow, I have been back in Ventura for over four years.  It was four years on May 1st of this year (2012). Not only that, but unofficially in August and offically in November I will have lived at the same address for four years.  I honestly have a hard time remebering when either of those things was last true.  I am glad to be back in Ventura.  I was I had come back to stay long before I did.  I kept thinking that when things were not going well if I moved it would be better.  And it usually was, for a minute  But then I found that all the same problems were still there, just in a different physicaly location.  The saddest part is that I am a pretty smart person.  Good grades, good at figure things out.  It was just this one thing that it took me awhile at.
So now I am back.  Going to school and hoping to get my teeth fixed by the end of the year.  But every once in a while, I get that urge.  The urge to go go go!!!  But I have finally figured out, it is not the urge to move and start over.  I actually want to go places.  Last year I saw the grand canyon for the first time.  That was so awesome,  but there is so much more that I want to see.  I definately want to see the Vietnam Memorial in Washington D.C.  I want to go back to Pennsylvania and visit the realatives that I met so long ago.  I want to go to as many of the National Parks as I can. 
I worry though that because I wasted literally 15 years of my life, do I have enough time left.  Ik now I am going to try.  And I know that when I get that urge to disapear into the night, it is not the right thing to do.  I need to plan and that is something I have never been good at, but I am getting better.  So I write in this silly little blog that I doubt anyone ever reads.  And that is okay. 
I will go places and I will learn not to be afraid that I am running out of time.  So for the next 18 months I am concentrating on school, teeth, and job, in that order.  I still have plenty of time left to see what I want to see of the world.  Don't ever give up is what I guess I am trying to tell myself.  But also to anyone who does read this, don't waste all those years.  Tomorrow will come, but with each day that you wait to do what is good and what is right, that leaves that much less time to enjoy it. 
I wish I could go back 20 years and go back to school when I started college then, but I can't.  So I am going to work my butt off and make up for the time I wasted.  Do waste time.  Get started today on your future.

Think People

Seriously.  Why can't people think past the noses on their faces.  You know something is not going to happen if you are doing a particular thing.  What needs to happen needs to happen.  So simply closing a door will allow the thing that needs to happen to happen.  But you can't seem to think past what YOU are doing.  You have to look at cause and effect.  If you can simply close a door and have a positive outcome, really, why don't you close the door. 
Can people really be that far removed from caring what is going on around them.  How can you just not get it.  I really don't understand.  I want to use the word dense, but it doesn't seem to encompass what I am talking about.  People need to understand how there actions affect those around them.  So if closing the door makes everything better, then close the frigging door. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

London

It is 4:45a.. in London right now.  How I wish I was there.  I have been watching a lot of PBS lately.  They show a lot of BBC shows.  I find it fasinating.  It is so old.  When you think about it, America is such a very young country.  And yet somehow we managed to catch up with the world in how screwed up we are.  But when I see these shows that take place in other countries, in other cultures, it is so fascinating.  The traditions they have dating back to long before the America's were even "discovered". We are so young and could learn so much.  Yet we are far to egocentric to even try.  We Americans think that how we do it is the right way, the only way.  That is why so many others hate us.  We should learn and not try to dictate. 
\Anyhow, those are my thoughts for this the 27th day of July, 2012!!!

marijuana

It is illeagal..  I don't know that I agree with that.  It doesn't seem to me that it is that much different than alcohol.  I drink so who am I am I to judge.  But I watch these shows on T.V. and I want to tell these people if they ever ever want it to be legalized, quit doing the shows.  They highlight people who are getting high to get high and I think that is wrong.  I do not smoke marijuana.  I have no desire to smoke marijuana.   But I have seen people in pain who it does seem to truly help.   And for those people I think it should be available and legal.  But for the majority of people who use it to "help me through the day" or "because I have stress", I say go to jail.  Those are the people who are making it hard to get for the people who need to survive pain and cancer and other unspeakable things that you and I cannot image.  I think it should be legal so that, like alcohol, it can be regulated.  Those are my thoughts.

Gun Control and Colorado

We need gun control.  Not because of what happened in Colorado.  We needed it long before that.  When there is a mass murder it is in the news all day everyday everyday everywhere.  What we don't hear about are the gun deaths that take place every day in the United States.  I think that the person that did the shooting in Colorado should spend the rest of his life in general population in the worst prison Colorado has to offer.  But people need to quit using large scale killings such as this to support or oppose gun control.  And yes, there are really those who use this as an example AGAINST gun control.  Make me sick to think about it, but it is true.  We need gun control not just so there are no more mass murders  We need so the mother of three getting emergency medicine at 2:00 am isn't shot and killed for her purse and her car keys.  We need it so people can live without fear. And most of all we need yesterday.

Colorado

It is so sad.  First the fires and then the shootings.  We need to pray for the people of Colorado.  We need to pray for the people that have these things in there heart.  There has to be a better way.  My heart goes out.

I See Stupid People

I am so tired of stupid people.   You ask them to do or not do something, and they don't listen.  I am not talking about kids or teenagers or even people who are in thier early 20's.  I am talking about "grown-ups".  Thats a freaking joke.  If someone asks you not to do something there is probably a reason.  If they ask not to do something with something that is yours there is really probably a reason they asked you not to do it.  So don't do it.  How freaking hard is that?  Apparently for some people it is pretty hard.

Be kind

Try and be thoughtful and kind in everything you do.  Try to think of how what you do will affect others even in the smallest way.  People seem to do what is easiest for them, and if that inconveniences   other people, oh well.  I try.  I am not always successful, but I try.  I know that I will try harder.  Don't automatically assume that the other person is wrong.  Maybe they are, maybe not, but we must keep an open mind.  Remember that saying that we all learned growing up?  "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"  I think we should all try to practice that one more.  I know I definately need to and I am going to try starting right now.  It is so easy to bad mouth someone or something.  It is much harder to stay quiet and even harder yet to say something positive.  I will work on that one.  But mostly, be kind.  I think if we could all do that the world would be a much better place!!!

School

I am sooooo ready for the new Semester to start at Ventura College.  It starts on August 16th which is great because that is also my birthday.  I was going to take a class this summer, but it did not work out for financial reasons.  I really like school.  I enjoy the learning and challenging myself.  So, one month and two days. I wish it would hurry up and get here.  I am going to take Intro to Accounting, Intro to Business, English V01A and health and wellness class.  The english and health are required general ed courses, and the other two are required for the A.S. in Accounting.  What sucks is that I am going to have to take beginning and intermediate algabra.  Ughhhhhh.  I will probably take one next summer and one the summer after that.  That way I will be able to concentrate strictly on math.  So of the 60 units needed for I actually only have 6 towards my degree.  The others I took are prerequisites for other classes that I need. I am hoping that if I go for the next two summers, I can still do it in only two years.  We will see.  Anyhow, I will be glad when it starts!!!

People Suck

People suck.  They lie to you or worse don't tell you things because they think they are protecting you.  But then you always find out what it is they were not telling uyou and it hurts worse.  Come on people, just tell the truth.  I can handle strangers pretending, but not the people who supposedly care about me.  {People suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free Writing

It is what you are supposed to do when you have something to say and you are not sure what.
So here goes.
More than 55,000,000 people died during World War 2. And we still fight.
People die of diseases that can be cured everyday because they cannot afford insurance.  But the Republicans what to fight health care reform because of politics. 
People are homeless through no fault of there own.  They have worked hard all there lives.  Never collected welfare.  Never asked for a hand out.  But the company they worked for for 30 years went out of business, they didn't have a pension fund and now becuase they are over 50 they can't find a job.
The world can be a better place, but we all have to help make it so.  I want to help. I hope that in my small way I am.
Someone wants to make a better future.  But they need financial help.  But then things they did 22 years ago when they WERE NOT GETTING FINANCIAL AID ARE GOING TO MAKE IT A PAIN IN THE BUTT. (I had W's on my college record 21/22 years ago that are going to make it harder for me to get help.  My kids were still living with me, I had a full time job and I could not go to school anymore, well I guess if I wanted to I could.  As long as I was willing to go on welfare {before welfare reform}.  And lord no's there father was not helping in ANY WAY. 
It's kind of funny.  Now all the sudden my daughters father wants to "get to know her".  Where was he when I could not put food on the table.  It hurts his feelings that she wants nothing to do with him.  Oh darn, thats to bad.  Imagine how she felt.\
Ya gotta love free writing!!!
So I love music.  I love school. I love learning.  And I very much want to make the world a better place
There is a book in me.  I just am not sure how to get it out.  FREE WRITING.  We will see what happens.


sorry for grammer mistakes and typos.  but ya gotta love free writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Election 2012

This has nothing to do with the election.  I don't know why I named this article that. 
I wish I had some Rance Dressing.  Eating left over chicken and it would be better with Ranch.  Wish I didn't need financial aid to go to school, but the fact is that I do.  Wish I didn't need to depend on other people to help me out right now.
I don't want to be rich.  I don't even want to be "Well Off".  I want to work and do something positive in the lives of others.  I want to write.  I think there is something worth saying inside of me and I just have to get it out.  I to be kind and give back.
I want other people to not tell me what is "right" for me.  I want to find my place in the world.  I guess I want a lot.  But I don't think any of it is to much to ask. 
I am living right now with the aid of someone else.  It is sooooo easy for others to look at our lives and tell us what we are doing wrong and how "lucky" we are to have it so easy.  But before we tell others what they should be doing and how easy it for them, maybe we should look at our own lives. 
We each have a place in this life.  We have things that we do to survive.  As long as we are not hurting other, or breaking any laws, who is to judge.  Why is how you are living your life better than how I am living mine?  \
A line from a T.V. show.  " I don't always know the right thing to do Lord, but I think the fact I want to please You pleases You."
I am afraid of what the future brings.  But I don't, won't, can't live in fear of it.  I believe that the Lord will guide us if we let Him.  And I believe that he will take care of us if we believe in Him. 
Be kind to those around you.  Do not judge, lest you be judge.  Do the best that you can.
Most of us are not going to be on cable t.v. We are not going to write a book.  But we can be kind without judgement.  I think that if we do that, our place in Heaven is assured.

Ventura College

I don't want to be sad.  I want to go to school, get a A.S. degree, get my teeth fixed, get a job that pays a decent wage and live my life to the best of my ability.  I want to help other people.  I want to try in my own small way with the very small powers that I have to make the world a better place to live. 
I know God puts obstacles in our way.  I know that from the day we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, there is a constant battle going on with the devil trying to take back our souls.  And I know that in my case the Devil will NOT win.  But it is so hard sometimes.  I believe in our lives we have to make amends for the things we have done wrong and the people we have hurt.  But sometimes it seems so hard.  I am trying to do all the right things.  And good things happen to me now.  A week ago today, I droped a $100.00 dollar bill on the ground.  Someone saw me drop it and I had no idea that I had.  They told me they thought they saw a bill fall out of my wallet.  I looked on the ground and did not see anything.  The person said, no I am pretty sure you droped something.  I looked again, and there was the hundred dollar bill.  Had I lost that I would have been devasted.  This person could EASILY have waited and picked up when Iwas not looking.  So good things do happen to me.  And there are still many more good people in the world than there are bad.  But the thing that is getting to me now is Ventura College.  I understand that there have to be rules for things.  But I don't have to agree with them all.  Like the fact the classes that I withdrew from 21 years ago (at which time I DID NOT RECIEVE financial aid) are going to effect my standing now.  I didn't fail the classes.  I got a job, full time, and I had to quit going to school.  So now 21 years later, because I AM trying to get financial aid, those classes are coming back to haunt me.  I am taking the steps to resolve the problem.  But it is just frustrated sometimes.  I guess this shows one of the changes in me.  Even as little as 10 or maybe even 5 years ago, I would have just said forget it and quit.  But not this time.  I am going to get the degree.  I am going to get my teeth fixed.  And I am going to do it all through hard work and the help of God. 
So, I just wanted to write this because it helps to put it into words sometimes.  You can't give up!!!

Health and Politics

I want my Doctor to believe that although my TSH levels are good, my thyroid condition is not entirely under control.  Sometimes your tsh can show normal but there is another, more sensitive test that will show that the medication still needs adjusted.  I am greatful that I have the limited insurance that I do (NOT MEDI-CAL) but if I was able to get better insuarance I have no doubt that by now I would havve been refered to an endocrinologist.  The have the expertise to treat hypothyroidism. 
If President Obamas Health care law is overturned or lessened by the
Supreme Court there is no hope.  I will always be just a little left of okay.  Please if anyone reads this, write to your congressperson especially Republicans, they need to support the health care bill. I don't think it goes far enough but it is so much better than what we havve now.  There are millions of other people who are like me and millions others who have NO HEALTH CARE AT ALL.  How can we hold our heads up when we can not even take care of the least among us.

Larry Crowne

I am watching the movie Larry Crowne for about the 10th time because there is nothing on T.V.  That part I like best is when he moves out of his house and leaves the neighborhood.  I think that is so sad.  But I also think that stuff like that is happening all to often these last few years.  Then I see a report on the news tonight about the BILLIONS WITH A B of dollars that are just sitting in accounts.  It is money that the government allocated for various things and it was never used.  But instead of help with the national debt or helping people that need help, it just sits there.  For yearssssssss.  Gee what is wrong with this picture.  So I wonder, I am going to school and I am slowing learning how things work in our government but is it to late for me to make a differance?  I hope not.  So I guess I will ponder this questions and others while I watch Larry Crowne!!!

Goodmorning

Goodmorning world.  Got some sleep. (Not enough). Feeling better than I did when I last wrote.  Getting ready to go Vons because no matter what we are stressed about, or what is going on, we must continue with the routine of our lives.  I think that is what keeps most people sane.  It gets boring and tedious, but it gives purpose to the things we do.  It is funny how people view other peoples lives.  To some that I know what I do and my life in general may seem inconsequential.  But to me it is not.  I take care of the place I live.  My dog.  And what I do with my time and how I use my time seem important to me.  And they are important to the person I live with and my dog.  I know, I know, it is just a dog.  But I truly do understand why all those studies say pets help people.  She cheers me up when I am down.  She makes me laugh.  She relieves my stress.

I am glad that I am basically a happy person.  Not a bubblee kind of happy.  But happy in the joys that each day brings.  Happy that I am alive, and in my own very small way can make a differance.

Life is Gods greatest gift.  And while our ultimate goal should be to do as He wants us to do, I think that we should live our lives to the fullest and we can honor Him by enjoying and sharing joy in and of our lives.   

Life

I am soooo tired.  These last few nights I cannot seem to get to sleep.  I am stressed over school and money.  Then I find that what some people are saying is not completely accurate.  Now the people that I know aren't really reading what the inaccurate people are saying about me, but none the less it bothers me.  Is the inaccuracy caused by a lack of the correct facts?  If that is the case then I understand.  Or is it caused by the fact that the wrong details make a better story.  A better oh poor me type of story.  If that is the case then it is wrong and hurtful.

I have not always done what was right.  I have not always done what was best.  But I have always tried to do the best I can.  I try not to be hurtful to other people.  I am trying very hard to make up in the present what I have done wrong in the best.  We cannot go back and fix things.  All we can do is strive to be better. To do better.  That is what I am doing.  So if anyone reads this and is aware of facts that they have gotten wrong, I think now would be the time to correct them.  And if I have caused anyone who reads this pain, I hope that what I am trying to do now in my life will help ease that pain. 

Politics Jon Stuart

O. M. G. I don't like to watch political shows.  I confess.  They are almost always biased toward one side or the other.  But I have started watching the monologue on Jon Stewart.  Althoug he too has a very different opion, his first 10 minutes p[retty much rips the WHOLE political process apart.  He shows how ridicuoulos our political process is in this country.  It's worth 10 minutes a night people!!!!

Challenger Space Shuttle, Why are we in Space

My first child was already born when the space shuttle challenger disaster happened.  I did not name her after the first civillian in space.   I wanted to name her Kirstian, but her birth father did not like that so I changed it to Krista. I always told her to make sure that people spelled it with a K and not Ch.  People think that our time in space is wasted money. But all that we are able to do as far as wireless goes, and my ability to write this blog that no one reads, was first tested and made able by space flight.  People are going hungry on T'HIS planet.  But I truly believe that space flight, travel, can help aleviate that problem.  It is time to go beyond the space station.  It is time to go beyond what we can do on earth.  It is time to go beyond war and hunger and global warming.  I believe to find our future the only answer is to look to the stars.   Lets all believe. Lets go beyond our earthly bounds. 
The future is calling us.  Are we willing to answer the call????

Peolple need to get a grip

I wish in my life I could say that I have always been honest and fair.  But the truth is, like most people, I have done things that I wish I had not done.  I have never hurt anyone physcially.  But I have taken advantage of the trust placed in me by my family and friends.  Not, I am glad to say, for quiet a long while.  But there it is.  I have done so.  I have tried very very hard the last few years to do better.  And I have tried to make up for the wrongs I have done.  I hope and pray that I have become a better person.  But I get so angry when I see other people taking advantage of people that are close to me that have done them no wrong. 
So here is the deal.  You get 240.00 a week taken out of your paycheck twice a month.  This is for child support.  But your employeer never pays it to child support.  Because you trusted your employeer you have not gotten pay stubs.  You knew how much you earned and that minus what was supposed to go to child support was what you were getting paid twice a month.  Then all of the sudden, you get called into court because child support has not been getting paid.  You tell them your employeer has been withholding the money, but there is really nothing you can do because you have no pay stubs. Because you trusted your employeer.  You thought he was a friend. Guess not. So you make arrangments to get ALL your money and you will take care of the child support payments yourself.  Shouldn't your employeed either give you the 5200.00 dollars he withheld and didn't pay, or pay it to child support.  But he doesn't.  It is just wrong.  I hope the person that is doing this reaps the consequences.  I hope the person who is close to me gets there money.  I hope that I really have become a better person. 

Wrong man exucuted in Texas

Why should there be no death penalty. Oh, gee read this and lets see if we can figure it out.  Not because it is more expensive than life in prison, how many times do you think this has happened??? I would be willing to bet more than once. No suprise that this one was in Texas, but it could happen anywhere.
http://news.yahoo.com/wrong-man-executed-texas-probe-says-051125159.html

Target Stores, Life and other stuff

I ran out of my Thyroid pills.  Crap.  It is not a lack of money.  Heck, they only cost $9.00 for a 90 day supply.  I just forgot.  No one seems to think it is a big deal that for the rest of my life I have to take this pill everyday.  And that is how I tried to act.  But you know what it is a big deal.   The difference between how I feel now and how I felt a year ago before I started taking the medicine is AMAZING.  I could not function before.  But I still don't feel "better".  The Doctors say my TSH level (that is how they measure the thyroid) is normal.  But everything that I have read says that even when the numbers show "normal" you may not have the right levels.  There are more advanced tests but my Doctor has not felt the need to do those tests.  Most people with thyroid problems see an Endocrinologist.  I don't have that option.  I am blessed to have the medical coverage that I have.  I am blessed to have a safe and warm place to live and the money for the medicine I need.  But I am not wealthy enough to have the medical coverage I deserve.  There are things that could have been done for my mom 10 years ago that were not done because she did not have the right insurance.  There were things that could have been done for my father before he died that would have most likely extened his life.  But after serving in the military for 22 years he did not have the right insurance.  There were things that could have been done for Dixon.  But he had no insurance.  Unless you are Dick Cheney, Larry Hagman or someone with equal wealth, cause what, you are pretty much screwed if you have more than minor medical needs.
I look forward to the day when good health is a right and not a privalage.  I hope that day comes soon.  Until then I will take by pill once a day and hope that I can function.
On a totally different subject, I encourage people to find an alternative to Target Stores.  There customer service is horrible.  There prices are no longer that much better than other places.  Unless you are a die hard ultra conservative, there corporate philosophy is toxic.  There are alternative.  I plan on finding them.  Hope other will also.