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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Bucket List

Live in a Long Boat in England
A (Another) job that I love that pays a wage I can live alone on.
I am sure there is more, but right now I can't think of anything, so more later...

What's in a name

I can't do it anymore.  I am so bitchy and angry all the time.  I want to finish school and find a job so bad.  I feel like my life is on hold right now.  I know living in a fifth wheel travel trailer with two adults and a big (German Shepard) dog does not help.  There is no space for anything.  No matter how hard I try I can't seem to keep the place clean. I just am so frustrated right now. 
So any suggestions???

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


Well, I made it through finals.  So far only one final grade has posted.  That was an A.  I am still waiting for 3 more to post.  Some times I think this may be the hardest part.  Waiting.  I feel fairly certain that of the three remaining classes I got a least one A and two B's.  I am hoping though that it turns out to be two A's and one B.  That would be nice. 
We only have a three week break between semesters.  What makes this a little bit more bearable is the fact that there are two 1 week vacations in the Spring Semester.  That is a lot nicer than fall when you only get I think four or five days off the entire semester. 
I am taking 6 classes next semester so those two breaks will be a good chance for me to get caught up on anything I am behind on or struggling with.  I know a couple of the classes are going to be quite difficult for me, so the breaks will be nice.
Well that is it for now.  More to follow soon I hope

Friday, November 15, 2013

Almost Finished

It is time to start writing again.  I have been away from my blog for a bit.  School has been crazy the last couple of semesters.  I am in the home stretch now, though.  I have four weeks left in this semester and then the big one.  I am taking six classes next semester.  The second half of Intermediate Algebra, Managerial Accounting, Geography, a music course (requirement for my general ed. courses) Life Fitness (requirement for my general ed. courses) and English 1B.  17 units, yipesssss!!!
That semester starts Jan. 6, 2014.  I don't think I will have much time to write then.  So I figured since someday (hopefully a long time from now) this blog will be what I leave behind I should write. 
I love school.  This semester, Fall 2013, is one of the hardest I have had.  The funny thing is that I am doing best in Math.  I am also doing very well in QuickBooks.  I am struggling in Computer Applications and Business English.  But overall I think I am doing okay.  I am a little scared about next semester because of the number of units.  I know Managerial Accounting and English 1B are going to be EXTREMELY challenging.  I am unsure about geography and the music course.  Hopefully I will now in the first couple of weeks if it is too much.  That way I can drop one or two classes and take them in the summer.
I am scared about looking for a job.  I understand now why my brother, at one point, kind of made a career out of going to school.  It is at least as hard a job, but much more satisfying, and as long as you do the work and keep your grades up, it is a guaranteed position.
Oh how I wish I had not quit school all those years ago.  Of course I had (what I thought)  were good reasons.  But looking back, I now know I should have struggled through.  I would have been so much further in my life.
And yet, with only a few exceptions, I don't regret the choices I made.  I truly believe I am a better person because of them.  Although I have to admit sometimes the lessons learned were painful.
Anyhow, I am going to try to start writing again for at least a few minutes 4-5 times a week.  So let me know what you think.
See you all soon.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Just Living

I don't write as much as used to.  School has been hard.  I am only taking one class this summer and it is a good thing.  I am taking Biological Anthro and it is kicking my butt.  14 chapters in 7 weeks.  If it was a subject that I had even the SLIGHTEST knowledge of it would not be so hard.  The fact that at some point they changed the name from Physical Antrho to Biological should have been my first clue.  It is 80% a biology class and I am clueless going in. (I think I will probably still be pretty clueless when I am done.)  Thank goodness it is the only class I am taking.  So while I am trying to learn all this stuff, I also am dealing with my dental issues as well as some medical issues.  I have been having extremely bad attacks of ??? not sure what lately.  We are thinking maybe anxiety, but my primary care giver is also exploring some other things.  I also over heat extremely easily, even when it is not hot.  So we were hoping that it was my thyroid and my medication just needed to be adjusted.  But on the last blood test I had done Monday, my tsh levels are PERFECT.  Who would have ever thought that would bum me out. 
Well, I have one chapter left in the anthro class and then I take my final exam on Aug. 1st.  After that I am out of school until August 19th so I hope to write a little bit more during that time.  I am taking 5 classes, but only 13 units, next semester so I will try to write, but we will see how it goes.  Hopefully by then or shortly there after all the medical and dental stuff will taken care of so I won't have so much on my mind.  See you soon.

Friday, June 21, 2013


I passed math last semester.  That was the second time I had to take but I got a B so that was good.  I have one more math class to take to get my A.S., or two if I want to continue on to my B.S.  I would like to continue, but it is a matter of finances.  In the other two classes I took last semester, I got and A and a B.  So all in all it was a good semester.  I am only taking 1 class this summer.  Physical Anthropology.  Way harder than I thought it would be, but I should do okay.  I am glad since it is a 7 week course that it is the only class I am taking.  In theory, two chapters a week doesn't seem like that much, but wow is it.  It is a lot of stuff that I have absolutely no knowledge of what-so-ever.  Which in a way makes it more interesting and fun but harder.
So my GPA is back up above 3.50 which makes me happy.  And I think I am finally done with the financial aid crap.  I should be above 70% and my GPA is good, so that is a relief.
Anyhow, have not written in a while so I thought I would just say a few words.  Will be back soon.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


It has been awhile since I last wrote.  School has been overwhelming.  And I had all but two of my teeth pulled.  And I had problems with my financial aid which put a strain on my financial situation.  Just a lot going on the last three months.  Things have started going better lately, but still a few obstacles to overcome.  I need to come up with about 1500 dollars to get the rest of my dental work done.  I have not been able to eat much since I had my teeth pulled.  And my English class is messed up.  I have taken an on-line course before.   This instructor however makes things extremely hard to follow.  So that is what I have been dealing with and I have not had a lot of time to write.  I hope to do better in the coming weeks.

Saturday, February 9, 2013


We all have our own pain.  And sometimes I don't know how to deal with other peoples.  I want to be a comfort, I really do.  Yet sometimes I don't know what t say, and sometimes when you throw in a little alcohol, I can't deal with it.  I understand the need for alcohol to numb the "pain".  But it doesn't really change anything.  Just what you are willing to say.  I think for the most part I am a very sympathetic person and I feel bad when I cannot help someone else.  So what do I do.  Just as I cannot always help other people, I have to be true to who I am.  It is a hard line to draw.

Friday, February 8, 2013

I don't want chocolate.  I don't want to hear the same thing over and over and over.  I don't want to hear complaint for complaint.  I want to sympathize with your ouchies and bad days.  But in return I want you to sympathize with mine.  I want to hear sometimes what I bring to the relationship instead of all that you give.  I know you give alot.  But so do I.
I need a friend.  I need someone who will sometimes but everything on the back burner because I need someone.  And in return I will do the same.  I want to share.  I want to share the aches and pains of life.  Is it asking to much?  I have met people in the past who would have to say no.  so I do believe that is exists. 
Is 51 to old to go back to school and start over?  I hope not because if it is I am screwed!!!  I am staring from no where and I only have "up" to go.  I want someone to go with me.
I am so afraid much of the time.  Afraid of being alone.  Of dying.  Of being old without the means to live.  I want someone who will share those fears with me, but at the same time ease those fear IN me.  Is it to much to ask??? 
I have made bad choices.  I have tried so hard the last four years to make better choices.  I think for the most part I have done that.
I lost a friend recently.  He was two months younger than me.  I don't want to go before I have made a differance in peoples lives.  Jon had.  He was a truly kind soul.  And he was happy. I think I am for the most part a happy person.  When bad things happen, weather they happen because of things I have done or choices I have made or things I have done, or they happen because of things beyond my control, I look for the bright side.  Through all things bad, we can, of our own choosing, find the good. 
I believe that the bad things that have happened for whatever reason have gotten me to where I am, and where I am is not a bad place. 
Five years ago if someone had meant to hand me 60.00 dollars and handed be 80.00 instead, I would have kept the extra twenty and not said anything.  I might have felt bad about it.  But I would not have said anything and kept the twenty.  Four years ago, I think I would have given the twenty back.  Today I know I would give the twenty back.  Because I did.  And similar situations have arisen in the past four years that make know that I would give the twenty back.  But I ask myself, does that make up for all the twenties I have kept?  At what point does God forgive what we have done.  When does Karma reset.
These are the things I think about and wonder.  Is there someone out there who can think and wonder about them with me??? I guess that is the question............

Friday, February 1, 2013

VCCCD English V01A free write

I am supposed to keep a journal of free writing for my english class.  So this is it, I am going to use my blog that no one reads.  And if they do read it that is okay.  Maybe they will learn a little about the path I have been on.  First off I think financial aid is pretty screwed up.  I have talked to people who totally work the system to get the maximum amount of money they can.  They don't give a rats ass about the courses they are taking or the grades they get.  The scary part is that many of these people are the future nurses you may encounter if you ever go to a local hospital. I droped 5 classes. 4 of them 21 years ago and one of them 22 years ago.  I was NOT receiving financial aid at the time. I paid for the classes I took and I lost money for the classes I droped.  The reason I droped them was because I got a full time job at Greens Pest Control and I had two small children that my family had not yet seen fit to usurp my athority with and take away from.  They both lived with me at the time.  So I had to choose between school and making a living since there dad was a piece of crap and paid no child support.
No, 21,22 years later I am being denied financial aid becuase I have completed less than 70 percent of my classes with a D or better.  I was not getting financial aid.  I have taken 11 classes since I droped those classes 21 years ago.  I have gotten an A in 7 of them, an F in one and I am still in 3 of them so I do not have grades.  Yet the placement test I took back them does not count.  What thell.  Why does one thing count from 20 plus years ago but the other does not.  Did I mention I WAS NOT RECEIVING FINANCIAL AID AT THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1  this shit sucks.  I should be judged by what I am doing now, not what took place 20 plus years ago when I was NOT RECEIVING FINANCIAL AID. 
It is time for me to go.  I have been here for over four years and I have not been happy for most of them.  I have to admitt that I have not been unhappy, but it is not the same thing as happy.
I don't want to live alone.  I want someone who will take care of me.  I want someone who does not have a tooth ache or a cold or any other ailment every time I have one.  I want to be with someone who can scrape and rinse a plate and take out the trash before it is over flowing in every room.
I am taking english this semester and it is hard.  Harder than I thought it would be.  But I think I will do okay.  I am retaking beginning algebra and I think that will be okay.  I just want to do well in school.  I want to get financial aid so that I can have my teeth fixed and get a job.  I know everything would be okay if I could get a job and go to school part time.  I am going full time right now because no one will hire me.  As soon as I open my mouth the interview is over.  I don't resent or blame these people because honeslty I would havve the same reaction.  Stereo types suck

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Back to School

I started back to school yesterday.  I am excited and nervous.  I really need to do well this semester because of the problems I am having with financial aid.  I failed math last semester and that completely screwed me up.  I am not sure if I am even going to get aid this semester.  I had to drop one class because my appeal has still not been reviewed.  Until it is I won't get any money.  Plus because I am taking Algebra (again) and English 1, both 5 unit classes, coupled with the amount of time involved in the Financial Accounting class, I didn't think I should take anymore than that.  I really need to be able to focus this time around in math and I need all the extra time I can get!!!
Back to financial aid.  What is going on really pisses me off.  The whole reason for the original probation is becasue 21 years ago I got W's is 5 classes.  I had completed one semester with 3 A's and one B.  Then I got a full time job and had to quit going, however being young and not looking to the future, I did not properly drop the classes.  Instead they droped me and they all show up as W's.  The thing that pisses me off, though, is the fact that I was NOT receiving financial aid at the time.  I was paying for it myself.  I donot think that something I did 21 years while NOT ON financial aid should have this big of an impact on what I am doing now.  Also, this is my third semester back.  I have gotten 11 A's out of 12 classes.  But because of the W's and the one class I failed I am having to jump through ridicoulus hoops.  Somehow it just does not seem right.  Especially when I here people (and have even had people tell me) talking about how they work the system so they can get the maximum amount with the lease possible work.  I am working my ass off to get good grades.  I know life isn't fair, I get that, but it just doesn't seem right.
Anyhow, I am just hoping that I get the money by the 30th of this month so that I can get my teeth started.  What to be able to get a part time job this summer and cannot do it until dental work is done.  Say a prayer.
Be back later and let you know how my first week went!!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


I want to go to a place were I am surronded by green.  Plants.  I want to sit at a bistro table and drink coffee.  And to feel the peace of being surrounded by plants.  I want my dog to be there.  I want it to be a world were an F is not devistating.  Were you get to try again.   A world with no violence.  No rape.  No hunger and and no anger.  I no that this place does not currently exist.  But I want it so  bad.  I want to work for it.  I think if you work for something it is so much better than if it is just given to you.  As much as I would like to win the lottery, I would rather have a job that made a difference. 
And I want to not be tired and sick.  I want everyone to be able to go to a doctor and get the same kind of care as everyone else.  I don't make 45,000.00 a year.  So I am not able to afford the same kind of health care that those who do can.  And they cannot afford the same kind of care as those who make 75,000.00 a year can.  If I could get that kind of health care, I most likely could make 40-60 thousand a year.  Isn't that funny.
Guns.  they should be against the law for all but the military and law enforcement.
Some one told me long ago. Theres a calm before the storm
I feel like my storm is here.  Not the first storm.  Not the last storm.  When does the next calm begin?
I believe I am a good person.  I want no harm to come to anyone, and yet...
There are people who I feel have done bad things to me in my life.  And for the most part I am over it.  But there are a couple that I cannot seem to get over.  They took advantage.  Either of a "friendship" or of innocence. 
The person who took my innocence I don't know that I can ever forgive.  The person I who pretended friendship, I think that is the worse crime.  I should have know by the way we became friends.  Some people are only friends for what they can get.  I think they are the worst predators of all.  They make you believe that you mean something to them.  And you do, as long as there is something in it for them.
That I cannot seem to forgive or forget.  And I let that anger make me wish them bad.  And the only person that does harm is me.  I need to move on but I am not sure how.
Yesterday is dead and gone. 
Bye the way, as far as the failing math goes, I am taking it again and Istill have a 3.40 grade point average. 
I want so bad to remember EVERY detail of when Dixon came to the house I lived in on the Avenue.  But it is just a vague memory.  I thought there would be so many more nights and days like those two that I made no attempt to burn them to memory.  Then he got sick.  Then he died.  I don't know what would have happened if he had lived.   I think that we would have always been a part of each others lives.  I miss him and I miss the possibility of him.  As long as he was alive there was alwyas going to be someone who cared what happened.  Now that is gone.  I know my family cares.  But with Dixon it was not an obligattion.  It was because he really cared.  For no other reason than he cared.  I know that seems like it does not make sense, soul mate, but it does. 
I am, (mostly) happy were I am now. 
Anyhow, when I win the lottery, I will have a nice 2000 square foot home and I will give 20.00 a month to all those causes that are closes to my hear.  ASPCA, Humane Society, Salvation Army, St. Judes, and food banks, not in the order!!
Please don't hate.  Please don't wish harm on others.  Pray for peace and maybe in our lifetime it will happen.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

So Tired

I am so tired. I saw it once in a movie.  The character said" I never thought I would be so tired"  It is not just a lack of sleep.  I want so much to make good of the days I have left.  I don't think in my life I have ever hury physically anyone.  But I know I have hurt the people who care for me.  And I have spent so much time these last four years trying to make up for those wrongs.  I just am tired.  I don't know how to handle it.  I guess I will keep trying to do good. But I am so tired

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


So tired.  The doctors say "your blood work is good and everything is under control."  But you know your body.  You know what symptoms started when you first got sick.  You know how you felt before you got sick.  I am lucky that I have insurance (not medical) that allows me to go to what used to be called Family Medicine at VCMC ( now it is acedemic something or other).  But they are so over used that they don't have time to go past the basics.  I don't have the ability to change Doctors or clinics.   I feel so bad because I am not completely happy with the medical treatment available to me, and yet there are SO many people without any insurance.  I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Shooting in Conneticut

I cannot watch the news, or even browse the internet because my heart breaks for the kids and others who died in Conneticut.  The profiles of those who died makes me cry.  And if there is anyone who believes that one day it won't be me or you or someone we know while shoping at Target or going to school or sitting in a fast food restaurant, you are wrong.  If could happen anywhere.  And it seems to happen more in small and mid-size towns (like Ventura).  I wonder what I would do.  Would I be brave?  Would I only try to save myself, or would I try to help others?  I really don't know the answer.  I hope I would try to help others.  But again, I just don't know.
Now of course, every other article headline is on gun control.  My belief is that no one at any time should be allowed to carry hand guns except law enforcement WHILE ON DUTY!!!  People hunt and I don't believe that should be taken away.  But there are countries across Europe and Asia where people are allowed to own the types of weapons USED FOR HUNTING ANIMALS.  Not shotguns.  Not handguns, but rifles.  And they have almost no gun violence.  Can someone go crazy with a knife, or an ax or hatchet or even for that matter a baseball bat?  Well yes of course they can.  And they can kill with it.  But when an unbalanced person comes into a room with one of those items, how many more people do you think will be able to get away with their lives?  I would have to say most of them.  And how much easier would it be to stop the person with the "weapon"?  Again, I would have to say much easier.  The NRA and others who say guns don't kill, people do are correct.  It is the gun that kills.  But what they don't say is if the person didn't have access to the gun they either would not kill, or there would be so many fewer deaths.  We have to stop it.  I don't want a gun in my house to protect myself.  Chances are I am either not going to be able to get to it, or it will be used against me, not to save me. 
We need better mental health care and access in this country.  I do believe that.  And making handguns illeagal will NOT stop ALL gun crimes.  But as the guns are seized, the crimes will go down.  It won't be a daily barage of gun violence and mass murders in the news.  Please help me change the laws.  I am going to let my feelings be know to my State Representative, my Congressman and my U.S. senators.  You can do the same.  It has to stop.  How many more 5 and 6 and 7 year olds must dies.  How many more people of all ages must die.  Stop the maddness NOW!!!

Friday, December 7, 2012

lyrics to "the story" song by Brandi Carlise or Sara Ramirez

If ever there was a song written for me, this is it.  But the only person who ever knew my WHOLE story is gone and I miss him so much.  Is there anyone else out here??? I don't know. 

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you

I climbed across the mountaintops
Travel across the ocean blue
I cross over lines and I broke all the rules
And baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do, I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
[ From: ]

It's hiding the words that don't come out
All of the friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know I'm in this mess

No they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through
Like you do, and I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

Oh but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you
Oh yeah, and it's true that I was made for you


2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Story

e really knows my story.  My family know (a small part) of it.  Robyn knows more of it. But no one really knows all of it.  The pain.  The shame.  And the joy.  Someone said to me once “at least you and ****** have men to live off of”.  But two things about that statement.  First I don’t.  In my way I give so much to the relationships I have been in.  And second the person who said that is kind of doing the same thing at this point at time.  And yet they are giving so much also.  That is the part of the story that is so easy to over look.  We all have something to give.  And so many times people don’t know what we contribute.  That is okay.  A person should not give, weather financial or emotional, because of what is in it for them.  They should do it because it is what they want and because it is the right thing to do.  There are times in each of our lives when we are unable (or unwilling) to give.  I think that is okay also.  Because that is when we need. 

I have been blessed in my life with people who have been willing to give when I needed, and in return I think I have given when they needed it.  But for those who keep a score card, it does not work. 

Anyhow back to my story.  Many of you may not watch Greys Anatomy.  But there was an episode where Callie (Sara Ramirez) sang a song called “The Story”   I have copied the lyrics below.  It is me.  I have been blessed with people in my live who have known my story.  The one who knew the most is no longer with us.  But this is what I would tell him if he were still here. 
Even yet I am not ready to tell all the things that have happened and all the people who have hurt me.   I want some day to put it all on here and on facebook and anywhere else I can think of.  I want my story to help other people cope.  But most of all I want someone to know the WHOLE story.  That is what I strive for.
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you

I climbed across the mountaintops
Travel across the ocean blue
I cross over lines and I broke all the rules
And baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do, I was made for you
[ Lyrics from: ]
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
All of the friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know I'm in this mess

Monday, December 3, 2012

Too Funny

Sometime I disagree with what he has to say.  But one, no make that two  things about Jon Stewart, he makes me laugh and he makes me think.

P.S. Anyone can read my blog.  You don't have to be invited.  There is nothing I have to say the I feel the need to hide. I think if you are going to have a blog it should be viewable by everyone, well that is unless you have something to hide.  Have a great day and watch the daily show, it is great!!!

Sunday, December 2, 2012


2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe

Friday, November 30, 2012

I wanted to make sure everyone who should read this did.  So I posted it here and on facebook.  The person I am speaking to knows who they are.  If it is you, get help.  If it is not, please read next blog.

And now the lies are private. You have to be invited to read the blog(not mine). I would have to call that denial
I'm so tired.  I feel 90% better than when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but not all the way.  I am blessed that I have insurance.  However it is very limited inusrance (not medical) and I am limited in the Doctors I am able to see.  They say my blood work  is fine and the amount of medication I am on is adequate.  However according to the American Thyroid Association and the Mayo Clinic, with the basic test your numbers may appear to be fine and yet if they do another, more sensative test, the numbers are still off.  I have to convince them to do the more sensitive test. 
I have just want someone to believe that I am not all the way okay.  I know that I am luckier than many people.  But I also no that I can and should feel better than I do.  I am tired always.  I am in some level of physical pain often.  I need to make them listen.  I want to be okay again.  I want to walk and be awake.  I want to feel better.
I just need to get that out there.  That is all.  All in all I am doing just fine.  School is goin well except for math.  That has me a little down.  I just don't get the algebra.  I am going to have to take it again and to me that is a failure.  I have worked very hard these last four plus years to improve my life and become a better person, so I see the math as a failure.  I know it is not.  We all have things that don't come as easily, and for me it is math.  So I will take it again and I WILL get it next time.  Anyhow, I am going to bed now.  I will write again soon.  Happy Christmas and Happy Holidays to one and all.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Wow it has been over a month since I have posted.  That is to long.  I don't know who reads this (nor do I care all that much).  I use it as a sort healing tool.  It helps me to get out the anger and hurt I feel so that it does not do me harm.  Because ultimately that is what anger does.  It hurts the person who feels angry. 
We all make choices in life.  Some of them good some of them bad.  And we have to live with them.  Some of them hurt those that we care most deeply about.  It seems the people we hurt the most are the people we love the most.  I don't know why that is.
Anyhow, I read something tonight that hurt me and to be honest it also angered me.  Following is what I wrote in response.  I don't think the person that wrote what I read will ever read this blog.  If they do, I hope that, while they may not agree with it, it will give them cause to thing about the things they say and write.  Words can hurt.  Lies all the more.  You have your version of the truth, and I have mine.  But to hide the things you have to say in place you never expected me to see is not only unkind, but I think it is shameful.  A person cannot defend themselves from that which they do not know they have been accused. 

When you rewrite your history to become the person you want to be, you live a lie. We all make mistakes. We all have our own version of how events unfolded. And, it seems, quiet often the truth is somewhere in the middle. But to lie to make you feel better about yourself and to have people say "oh my all that you went through and what a wonderful person you have become" is wrong on so many levels and can ultimately hurt so many people. It is, I am sure, not what an honest Christian would do.

We cannot change those things that we have done in the past.  We can only change how we proceed from this point forward.  I am comfortable that I have changed for the better.  If others won't or can't see that, it is they who are missing out on so much that I have to give.

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Holiday Season.  Merry Christmas and a Happy, Joyus and Prosperous New Year to EVERYONE!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Do most of us really end up with the one we love.  How many people are in marriages or relationships that are nice, convienent, or easy.  But how many of us truly love someone from the bottom of our very souls.  And if we do, how many times do we not end up with that person because it is wrong in everyone elses eyes. 
Anyhow,, I have not written for awhile because I am so busy with school.  I am behind and it seems like no matter how hard I work I just can't seem to get caught up.  I will keep plugging away though.  It's funny how so people think that whatever problems they have are so much more important than anyone else's.  My world is dogs and a "boyfriend" who demand much of my time.  And yet I manage to take 4 classes.  I have a hard time keeping up but in the end I usually do.  I wish I lived in a house (or duplex) where I had room to move.  I wish I had the teeth to go get a part-time job.  I wish I had all those things I don't have.  But I don't. So my lot is to work with the things I have.  I think that is what we have to do.  And don't bitch and complain to everyone else about how freaking difficult your life is.  So is everyone's elses in it's own way.  So my final words for this blog are" GET OVER IT!!!"

Saturday, September 29, 2012

The World as We Know It

The world is falling apart.  The presiential election is just weeks away, and the choices are bad and worse.  I think of the two major canidates, Presient Obama will do the least harm.  Four years ago I thought he would do the most good.  Chilren is schools are saying they are hungry at lunch time because the food sucks.  Well, either eat it or bring lunch.  I understand that when you are on subsidize lunch, your choices are few.  But instead of being greatful for lunch, they are complaining and the teachers are helping them.  OMG if you get hungry enough you will eat.  It is not rotten.  It is not old.  Be thankful that you live in a country that has subsidized lunches.
Reality T.V. is the most popular it has ever been.  We are making people rich for being stupid.  Hmmm, I wonder what is wrong with this country. (I, by the way, don't wathc realty T.V.)  PBS has to have "sponsers" because donations are no longer enough to sustain their programing.  What is wrong with this country.  I see signs of hope.  California's unemployment is down.  Also down are logging jobs, mining jobs and other jobs that waste natural resources.  Could it mean that people are finding alternative, sustainable, energy sources?  I hope so.  We are killing our planet.  Unexploded ordinance from World War II and the cold war lays at the bottom of the oceans and the Gulf of Mexico.  The oil companies ignore it until there is a problem.  These devices include not only regular bombs, but chemical weapons as well.  Instead of ignoring it, maybe we should be cleaning it up. What is wrong with this country. 
I love the USA.  I am VERY PROUD to be an American.  I thank God every day for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me my the virtue of where I was born.  But we can be so much more.  Let us begin now.  Before it is to late for us, our kids and our grandkids.  We can save this country.  We can save this world.  But we also have the power to destroy.  The choice is our and we are running out of time to make the decision!!!