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Tuesday, January 8, 2013


I want to go to a place were I am surronded by green.  Plants.  I want to sit at a bistro table and drink coffee.  And to feel the peace of being surrounded by plants.  I want my dog to be there.  I want it to be a world were an F is not devistating.  Were you get to try again.   A world with no violence.  No rape.  No hunger and and no anger.  I no that this place does not currently exist.  But I want it so  bad.  I want to work for it.  I think if you work for something it is so much better than if it is just given to you.  As much as I would like to win the lottery, I would rather have a job that made a difference. 
And I want to not be tired and sick.  I want everyone to be able to go to a doctor and get the same kind of care as everyone else.  I don't make 45,000.00 a year.  So I am not able to afford the same kind of health care that those who do can.  And they cannot afford the same kind of care as those who make 75,000.00 a year can.  If I could get that kind of health care, I most likely could make 40-60 thousand a year.  Isn't that funny.
Guns.  they should be against the law for all but the military and law enforcement.
Some one told me long ago. Theres a calm before the storm
I feel like my storm is here.  Not the first storm.  Not the last storm.  When does the next calm begin?
I believe I am a good person.  I want no harm to come to anyone, and yet...
There are people who I feel have done bad things to me in my life.  And for the most part I am over it.  But there are a couple that I cannot seem to get over.  They took advantage.  Either of a "friendship" or of innocence. 
The person who took my innocence I don't know that I can ever forgive.  The person I who pretended friendship, I think that is the worse crime.  I should have know by the way we became friends.  Some people are only friends for what they can get.  I think they are the worst predators of all.  They make you believe that you mean something to them.  And you do, as long as there is something in it for them.
That I cannot seem to forgive or forget.  And I let that anger make me wish them bad.  And the only person that does harm is me.  I need to move on but I am not sure how.
Yesterday is dead and gone. 
Bye the way, as far as the failing math goes, I am taking it again and Istill have a 3.40 grade point average. 
I want so bad to remember EVERY detail of when Dixon came to the house I lived in on the Avenue.  But it is just a vague memory.  I thought there would be so many more nights and days like those two that I made no attempt to burn them to memory.  Then he got sick.  Then he died.  I don't know what would have happened if he had lived.   I think that we would have always been a part of each others lives.  I miss him and I miss the possibility of him.  As long as he was alive there was alwyas going to be someone who cared what happened.  Now that is gone.  I know my family cares.  But with Dixon it was not an obligattion.  It was because he really cared.  For no other reason than he cared.  I know that seems like it does not make sense, soul mate, but it does. 
I am, (mostly) happy were I am now. 
Anyhow, when I win the lottery, I will have a nice 2000 square foot home and I will give 20.00 a month to all those causes that are closes to my hear.  ASPCA, Humane Society, Salvation Army, St. Judes, and food banks, not in the order!!
Please don't hate.  Please don't wish harm on others.  Pray for peace and maybe in our lifetime it will happen.

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