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Friday, February 8, 2013

I don't want chocolate.  I don't want to hear the same thing over and over and over.  I don't want to hear complaint for complaint.  I want to sympathize with your ouchies and bad days.  But in return I want you to sympathize with mine.  I want to hear sometimes what I bring to the relationship instead of all that you give.  I know you give alot.  But so do I.
I need a friend.  I need someone who will sometimes but everything on the back burner because I need someone.  And in return I will do the same.  I want to share.  I want to share the aches and pains of life.  Is it asking to much?  I have met people in the past who would have to say no.  so I do believe that is exists. 
Is 51 to old to go back to school and start over?  I hope not because if it is I am screwed!!!  I am staring from no where and I only have "up" to go.  I want someone to go with me.
I am so afraid much of the time.  Afraid of being alone.  Of dying.  Of being old without the means to live.  I want someone who will share those fears with me, but at the same time ease those fear IN me.  Is it to much to ask??? 
I have made bad choices.  I have tried so hard the last four years to make better choices.  I think for the most part I have done that.
I lost a friend recently.  He was two months younger than me.  I don't want to go before I have made a differance in peoples lives.  Jon had.  He was a truly kind soul.  And he was happy. I think I am for the most part a happy person.  When bad things happen, weather they happen because of things I have done or choices I have made or things I have done, or they happen because of things beyond my control, I look for the bright side.  Through all things bad, we can, of our own choosing, find the good. 
I believe that the bad things that have happened for whatever reason have gotten me to where I am, and where I am is not a bad place. 
Five years ago if someone had meant to hand me 60.00 dollars and handed be 80.00 instead, I would have kept the extra twenty and not said anything.  I might have felt bad about it.  But I would not have said anything and kept the twenty.  Four years ago, I think I would have given the twenty back.  Today I know I would give the twenty back.  Because I did.  And similar situations have arisen in the past four years that make know that I would give the twenty back.  But I ask myself, does that make up for all the twenties I have kept?  At what point does God forgive what we have done.  When does Karma reset.
These are the things I think about and wonder.  Is there someone out there who can think and wonder about them with me??? I guess that is the question............

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